NaNoWriMo 2012 - Day 1

Kids are safely off to school. I watched a video on bullying and it crushed me a little. I had to watch comedian Tim Hawkins to revive my spirits and bolster my courage to face one of my greatest fears.

Writing in the past has been a fun outlet of a story that's been brewing for about 10 years. The one inside me now has been pestering me, no, goading me since the spring when my son had problems with bullying and shunning and deep, bitter loneliness. It is born of pain.

I have a delicious beef stew in my crockpot. I have someone coming over to talk about money. I have to walk my dog. I should be cleaning house but I needed to write the process.

I'm listening to Christian Celtic Music and something about it soothes my soul. It is sunny today, the first time in ages, and that will help me write the agony of ultimate defeat. Is not suicide defeat, the laying down of arms, saying, "I'm done playing this game." No, it has not happened in the inner circle of my family. Because of the darkness of the subject, I feel that I need to be much better about prayer this month; I will assume that this practice will help me after too.

Maybe it was "Be Thou My Vision" on flute and guitar that reminded me of St. Patrick's Lorica. I had only seen part of it but I read it this morning. I don't know if he actually wrote it. It doesn't matter. Maybe someone else wrote it and he treasured it and repeated it every day. As I type, I come against depression. I come against hopelessness. I come against the subtle darkness that creeps and slithers into a soul, finding the weak crease in the armor, the little pin hole. I come against time and thoughts deep in the night. I pray that God would protect my family, and me too. I pray with St. Patrick

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left
Christ where I lie, Christ where I sit, Christ where I arise
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the Thrones,
Through confession of the Oneness
Towards the Creator.
Salvation is of the Lord
Salvation is of the Lord
Salvation is of Christ
May thy salvation, O Lord, be ever with us.

amen